I made a film with my girlfriend

To whom it may concern:

A few years ago I made a widely released film with my then-girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez. Let me be clear about this: we knew when we were making it that it wasn’t that good. Did we think it was the worst movie ever made? No. We didn’t write it, we didn’t direct it… we just acted in it.

We took a lot of time, money and energy to make this film. We hired people like Christopher Walken and Al Pacino to be in the damn thing.

I had just come off a little film called Daredevil (where I met my current wife – more on that later) and Jennifer just came off making “Maid In Manhattan” and we just figured – what the hey.

Bottom line: I’ve seen Jennifer Lopez naked. More than that, I’ve had sex with her on numerous occasions. Can YOU say that? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

A few more years go by and she gets married to another guy. A while later, I get married and everyone’s happy, right? (Side note: what the hell was that performance at the Grammy’s all about. Ouch, my ears!)

So there’s this hot girl I know who plays a kick-ass CIA agent on TV. Guess what: nailed her, too. Went a little far and knocked her up, oops. I do the honorable thing and we get married. I don’t care: she’s a freakin’ hottie!!

Life is good, there’s even talk of me running for office. I’m not sure I’m going to do it. To quote Colin Powell, “The political fires do not burn in my belly”.

To recap: ‘Gigli’, not my best work, have had sex with Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner (among others), have won an Oscar, am still good friends with Matt Damon (despite the rumors).

So, in closing – suck it!

Sincerely,

Ben Affleck

Top 10 Cartoon Duo's

This time out the subject is Top 10 Cartoon Duo’s. I was only going to make this a Top 5 list but I had so many entries to work with, I added the last 5. Here’s the list is no particular order – wait, that’s not right… 10. Ren & Stimpy: Call this entry the ‘Odd Couple’ of the group. A cat and a dog (I think) living together and making their way despite their obvious instincts to be sworn enemies. I have to admit that this cartoon was hard to watch sometimes because of the ‘gross’ nature of both characters – pooping and boogers a big part of the vernacular. “Oh, Re-e-e-n?”, “Yes, Stimpy!” 9. Inspector Gadget & Penny: An uncle and his niece go around solving crimes against Dr. Claw. It was actually Gadget and his dog, Brain, that tried to solve the crimes and Penny that actually solved them. She would tell Brain the solution and that crazy dog would expend a great deal of energy trying to make the Inspector understand the solution. Finally, when Inspector Gadget would ‘stumble...

Lunch with a side of awkward

Last week I was sitting in my office wondering what to eat for lunch since I didn’t bring anything to eat. I happened to be in our break room and saw a collection of restaurant menus and began thumbing through them for suggestions. I came across a place that I had heard of but had never been to, so I decided to go there – mostly because of how close it was to the office. I walked in and looked around. The place was empty. There was a table of 4 ladies in the corner who looked like your basic bridge-playing women. Sitting in the booth next to them was another couple that looked like they were wrapping things up in order to leave. Finally a server appeared and seated me at a table across the aisle from the foursome. By then, the other couple had left. As I looked around, I noticed a lot of the place was made of or covered in wood. It’s the kind of a place you might find overlooking a body of water, but all that was outside this place was a parking lot. The server was tall, thin, dark hai...

Left Undone

Currently, there’s a meme traveling around Facebook entitled “25 Random Things About Me” where you list 25 things about yourself and send it to 25 friends. Then they send theirs to 25 friends (including you) and so on. I don’t plan on doing this myself because everything about me is random. Instead, I plan to explore 10 things about my life that I’ve never done. This is not to say I will never accomplish these things but, as yet, I have not done these things in my life to this point. I admit some of these are unbelievable – the fact that I haven’t done them but, to the best of my ability, are true. So, to this point I have never: Ridden in the back of a stretch limo – I have been to several weddings and funerals where one of these vehicles was present. I have looked in the back of a stretch limo but never ridden back there. At a party one time a limo was ordered and I thought to myself “this could be it” but it was basically a modified Lincoln Towne Car and would definitely not qualif...

Down On Ferry Farm

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