Last night the people that I used to work with threw me a birthday bash. It was all very cool and laid back. All the usual suspects were there: A-girl, S-girl, G-lady, etc. Some new players were also there and a good time was had by most. Here’s the timeline as I remember it. Things are, of course, a little fuzzy:
7:00 pm – I arrived at a pub down by the beach. It’s called Abbey Road and is – of course – “Beatles” themed. I arrive at the hostess station and tell the cute little girl I’m here for the party, giving her the name that the party is under. Without saying a word, she turns and goes around the corner in the back of the place. She’s gone for about 2 minutes while I’m standing there like a dork. She returns and says she does have a reservation under that name but she didn’t realize it. She gets me to a table not far away set up to seat about 12 people. I’m sitting at this big empty by myself for 20 minutes getting the disapproving glances from passers-by.
7:15 pm – I make a deal with the waitress. I give her my credit card and say, “when the bill comes, I’d like to pay it. When people start asking for their bills, just ring them all up and bring me the ticket to sign”. She agrees. I’ve always wanted to do this.
7:20 pm – Superman is the first to arrive. I’m actually surprised to see him because I never heard back from him via e-mail. I tell him so. “I replied back to your message about an hour after you wrote it”. I swear, I never received it. I even checked this morning – it never arrived. Anyhow, we’re sitting there for a few minutes before the rest of the crew arrived.
7:30 pm – A-girl’s cousin (who I will refer to as L2) is celebrating her birthday as well. Hers is the 14th, mine is the 16th (H.B. to me). We end up sitting next to each other in about the center of the table. She’s wearing entirely too much makeup around her eyes. I’ve seen her several times before this and she looks fine without all that black shit around her eyes. Uh-oh, bad news… this place does not serve sandwiches after 5:00pm. What? That seems weird to me, but…
8:00 pm – Food starts arriving and people are eating. One of the attendees is a man named Dale. If you need a picture in your head, picture the typical NASCAR fan. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I actually liked the guy – he was pretty funny. Superman tried to engage him in intelligent conversation about how ‘Jeopardy’ was not a game show scam. Good stuff. The band is supposed to begin at 9:30 but they’re already making noises.
8:30 pm – Conversation turns to sex (natch) and explanations of extremely dirty vernacular has commenced. We have to explain certain terms to G-lady who is mortified in typical fashion. It’s funny to talk about these things just to see her reaction. The band is making more squeaks and squonks.
9:00 pm – Talk has already begun about where we’re going next… a little dive bar where a country-centric band is playing. Apparently, they’re awesome.
9:25 pm – People have started asking for their tabs. I get ‘that look’ from the waitress and I nod approvingly. After a minute or two of not getting his bill, Dale starts looking to hunt down the waitress. “I already got her attention”. He seems pacified by this news. A few minutes later the waitress brings the bill – the one bill – to me. I begin signing it and people start realizing that I’m paying for the whole thing. I’m just trying to figure out the tip when they start throwing $10s and $20s at me. “I was given instructions!” says the waitress. Eventually people take their money back and I’m given promises of drinks at the next place.
9:30 pm – We break down the logical order of “who is driving in what car” and everyone assumes their driving positions. While I drove there by myself, somehow I end up driving L2 and Dale to this next place. I’m apparently one of three people who know how to get to this place.
9:40 pm – Just as we arrive the band is going to be taking a break. From this point forward, a lot of the night is a blur. There was a lot of drinking, dancing, bullshitting, flirting and talking in someone’s ear very loudly. One point I *do* remember is that A-girl sat on my lap a good part of the night. I did not have a problem with this at all. There were times when she was moving in time with the music and there was a little up-and-down motion she did that was uncomfortable (you’d think it would be just the opposite, right?) but other than that, her ass was in my lap and it was good. She kept buying my drinks and I kept drinking them.
12:30 pm – This girl comes in that Superman has her eye on. She’s dancing her ass off and seems to know A-girl and L2. It turns out she’s yet another cousin. I think that family tree doesn’t have any branches. Superman is trying to engage her in intelligent conversation but this girl is 3 or 4 sheets to the wind. She’s sitting next to me with her bra-covered breast hanging out of her shirt. She doesn’t seem to care. Talk begins of going to a party after this at A-girl and L2’s place. At some point in the evening L2 slips out and buys a case of beer and takes it back to her place (which is very nearby).
1:40 am – We finally leave the dive-bar in destination to L2’s place. She lives with her cousin Dale. Still with me? Next thing I know, Superman is driving this newly discovered cousin back to her place (which is also close by) and then will join us at L2’s place. I grab L2 and Dale and stuff them in my car. We go pick up 2 pizzas that L2 has ordered and finally make it back to ‘party central’. There are two bedrooms, a bathroom, a massive kitchen and a living room. That’s it. There are no other rooms in this upstairs apartment.
2:05 am – As soon as I walk in the place, Dale goes into his bedroom and cranks his stereo to “11”. He walks back out and asks, “Can everyone hear that?” Let’s just say the dead have arisen and are asking him to turn it down. “It’s 2 o’clock in the morning!” yells L2, “turn it down!” Well, Dale does not comply so L2 goes into the bedroom and turns it down to an appropriate level.
2:07 am – There is a George Foreman grill sitting on the counter. Dale asks, “Anybody want a George Foreman grill?” There are no takers. He walks to the door and throws it over the railing of the stairs. As you recall, we are on the second story. He does this twice more with some sort of sandwich maker and a hand mixer. Nothing redneck about that, right?
2:10 am – Dale, in true hillbilly fashion, asks “Do y’all like guns?” I look wide-eyed at L2 and she assures me the guns are not loaded. Dale goes into his closet and comes out with a classic sniper rifle and tells the story of its history. If he loads these things and starts taking pot shots at ‘invisible squirrels’ (or whatever) I’m getting the hell out of dodge.
2:30 am – A-girl is still talking to her husband, who is 3 or 4 time zones away. L2 is sprawled out on the couch and sounds either really drunk or just tired. I’m kicked back and watching the TV. Suddenly, this man who I’ve never seen just wanders in the door. Luckily, L2 and A-girl know him.
2:45 am – I have asked several times “where is your cousin with my friend Superman?” The level of worry hovers somewhere around ‘zero’. My concern seems to be growing with every text message that L2 is sending. A-girl is now standing in the kitchen talking on her cell phone.
3:15 am – “Where does your cousin live?” I ask L2. Her response: “I have no idea who you’re talking about”. I ask A-girl “Where does your cousin live?” “Who?” she asks. “Oh,” says L2, and she proceeds to give me the worst directions in the world (of course I didn’t know how bad they were before I took off). I tell the lot of them goodbye and go searching for Superman. I drive down the street where I’ve been told this person lives but I don’t see any cars matching the one I saw earlier. Of course, I’m looking for a dark blue or black SUV and it’s pitch black outside. I drive by the bar we were at earlier but I can’t make out any cars in the parking lot – again, shrouded in silhouette.
3:30 am – I have just made it home when Superman calls. “Where are you?” he asks. Apparently there’s been a huge gap in communication between the two of us. He’s finally made it to L2’s place. “I’m at home” I answer – “What happened to you”. “It’s a long story” he replies. He does not sound happy. I have failed in my attempt to get him laid. It sounds like he has also failed. I feel badly.
Roughly a minute after I got off the phone with Superman I was unconscious.
7:00 pm – I arrived at a pub down by the beach. It’s called Abbey Road and is – of course – “Beatles” themed. I arrive at the hostess station and tell the cute little girl I’m here for the party, giving her the name that the party is under. Without saying a word, she turns and goes around the corner in the back of the place. She’s gone for about 2 minutes while I’m standing there like a dork. She returns and says she does have a reservation under that name but she didn’t realize it. She gets me to a table not far away set up to seat about 12 people. I’m sitting at this big empty by myself for 20 minutes getting the disapproving glances from passers-by.
7:15 pm – I make a deal with the waitress. I give her my credit card and say, “when the bill comes, I’d like to pay it. When people start asking for their bills, just ring them all up and bring me the ticket to sign”. She agrees. I’ve always wanted to do this.
7:20 pm – Superman is the first to arrive. I’m actually surprised to see him because I never heard back from him via e-mail. I tell him so. “I replied back to your message about an hour after you wrote it”. I swear, I never received it. I even checked this morning – it never arrived. Anyhow, we’re sitting there for a few minutes before the rest of the crew arrived.
7:30 pm – A-girl’s cousin (who I will refer to as L2) is celebrating her birthday as well. Hers is the 14th, mine is the 16th (H.B. to me). We end up sitting next to each other in about the center of the table. She’s wearing entirely too much makeup around her eyes. I’ve seen her several times before this and she looks fine without all that black shit around her eyes. Uh-oh, bad news… this place does not serve sandwiches after 5:00pm. What? That seems weird to me, but…
8:00 pm – Food starts arriving and people are eating. One of the attendees is a man named Dale. If you need a picture in your head, picture the typical NASCAR fan. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I actually liked the guy – he was pretty funny. Superman tried to engage him in intelligent conversation about how ‘Jeopardy’ was not a game show scam. Good stuff. The band is supposed to begin at 9:30 but they’re already making noises.
8:30 pm – Conversation turns to sex (natch) and explanations of extremely dirty vernacular has commenced. We have to explain certain terms to G-lady who is mortified in typical fashion. It’s funny to talk about these things just to see her reaction. The band is making more squeaks and squonks.
9:00 pm – Talk has already begun about where we’re going next… a little dive bar where a country-centric band is playing. Apparently, they’re awesome.
9:25 pm – People have started asking for their tabs. I get ‘that look’ from the waitress and I nod approvingly. After a minute or two of not getting his bill, Dale starts looking to hunt down the waitress. “I already got her attention”. He seems pacified by this news. A few minutes later the waitress brings the bill – the one bill – to me. I begin signing it and people start realizing that I’m paying for the whole thing. I’m just trying to figure out the tip when they start throwing $10s and $20s at me. “I was given instructions!” says the waitress. Eventually people take their money back and I’m given promises of drinks at the next place.
9:30 pm – We break down the logical order of “who is driving in what car” and everyone assumes their driving positions. While I drove there by myself, somehow I end up driving L2 and Dale to this next place. I’m apparently one of three people who know how to get to this place.
9:40 pm – Just as we arrive the band is going to be taking a break. From this point forward, a lot of the night is a blur. There was a lot of drinking, dancing, bullshitting, flirting and talking in someone’s ear very loudly. One point I *do* remember is that A-girl sat on my lap a good part of the night. I did not have a problem with this at all. There were times when she was moving in time with the music and there was a little up-and-down motion she did that was uncomfortable (you’d think it would be just the opposite, right?) but other than that, her ass was in my lap and it was good. She kept buying my drinks and I kept drinking them.
12:30 pm – This girl comes in that Superman has her eye on. She’s dancing her ass off and seems to know A-girl and L2. It turns out she’s yet another cousin. I think that family tree doesn’t have any branches. Superman is trying to engage her in intelligent conversation but this girl is 3 or 4 sheets to the wind. She’s sitting next to me with her bra-covered breast hanging out of her shirt. She doesn’t seem to care. Talk begins of going to a party after this at A-girl and L2’s place. At some point in the evening L2 slips out and buys a case of beer and takes it back to her place (which is very nearby).
1:40 am – We finally leave the dive-bar in destination to L2’s place. She lives with her cousin Dale. Still with me? Next thing I know, Superman is driving this newly discovered cousin back to her place (which is also close by) and then will join us at L2’s place. I grab L2 and Dale and stuff them in my car. We go pick up 2 pizzas that L2 has ordered and finally make it back to ‘party central’. There are two bedrooms, a bathroom, a massive kitchen and a living room. That’s it. There are no other rooms in this upstairs apartment.
2:05 am – As soon as I walk in the place, Dale goes into his bedroom and cranks his stereo to “11”. He walks back out and asks, “Can everyone hear that?” Let’s just say the dead have arisen and are asking him to turn it down. “It’s 2 o’clock in the morning!” yells L2, “turn it down!” Well, Dale does not comply so L2 goes into the bedroom and turns it down to an appropriate level.
2:07 am – There is a George Foreman grill sitting on the counter. Dale asks, “Anybody want a George Foreman grill?” There are no takers. He walks to the door and throws it over the railing of the stairs. As you recall, we are on the second story. He does this twice more with some sort of sandwich maker and a hand mixer. Nothing redneck about that, right?
2:10 am – Dale, in true hillbilly fashion, asks “Do y’all like guns?” I look wide-eyed at L2 and she assures me the guns are not loaded. Dale goes into his closet and comes out with a classic sniper rifle and tells the story of its history. If he loads these things and starts taking pot shots at ‘invisible squirrels’ (or whatever) I’m getting the hell out of dodge.
2:30 am – A-girl is still talking to her husband, who is 3 or 4 time zones away. L2 is sprawled out on the couch and sounds either really drunk or just tired. I’m kicked back and watching the TV. Suddenly, this man who I’ve never seen just wanders in the door. Luckily, L2 and A-girl know him.
2:45 am – I have asked several times “where is your cousin with my friend Superman?” The level of worry hovers somewhere around ‘zero’. My concern seems to be growing with every text message that L2 is sending. A-girl is now standing in the kitchen talking on her cell phone.
3:15 am – “Where does your cousin live?” I ask L2. Her response: “I have no idea who you’re talking about”. I ask A-girl “Where does your cousin live?” “Who?” she asks. “Oh,” says L2, and she proceeds to give me the worst directions in the world (of course I didn’t know how bad they were before I took off). I tell the lot of them goodbye and go searching for Superman. I drive down the street where I’ve been told this person lives but I don’t see any cars matching the one I saw earlier. Of course, I’m looking for a dark blue or black SUV and it’s pitch black outside. I drive by the bar we were at earlier but I can’t make out any cars in the parking lot – again, shrouded in silhouette.
3:30 am – I have just made it home when Superman calls. “Where are you?” he asks. Apparently there’s been a huge gap in communication between the two of us. He’s finally made it to L2’s place. “I’m at home” I answer – “What happened to you”. “It’s a long story” he replies. He does not sound happy. I have failed in my attempt to get him laid. It sounds like he has also failed. I feel badly.
Roughly a minute after I got off the phone with Superman I was unconscious.