Earlier this week, I came to the realization that I have some anger issues. I’ll bet you can’t tell what I’m angry about? If you said ‘my job’, you’d be wrong.
If you said ‘money’ that would be strike 2. You know what I’m really angry towards – women. Yes, I realize this is not a new subject but I think I’m getting to the core of the problem. Let me explain:
At work, we recently hired a young lady for our Customer Service department. She’s a total hottie with an incredible body – very nice to look at. I’ll admit she’s probably a little young for me but, for whatever reason, I feel anger towards her whenever I see her.
It’s almost unfair. Okay, so I have to deal with that… fine. Then one of our shipping guys gets a visitor from some shipping company – total knockout. I almost gasped when I saw her. He’s an older guy (older than me) and been married with kids for a long time and he probably doesn’t even think about her ‘in that way’. Again, I feel anger towards this woman and I don’t even know her.
The final straw was when another guy in our office, I’ll call him Chris, gets a visit from a couple of sales women. I don’t know what company they’re from but all of them are standing in the reception area talking when I pass by. The word to describe these women is ‘stunning’. They’re both tall, slender, blonde women in power suits and high heels and this ‘kid’ is doing his best foot-in-the-dirt, hands-buried-in-pockets routine while he’s talking to them.
I get to my office and I’m pissed. I’ve now figured out half of my problem. The other half comes in figuring out why. Well, first of all, I have never gotten a visitor like that before. I had two salesmen come see me at the office, both of them skinny white dudes. No offense, but they really weren’t my type.
I guess maybe it’s a type of impatience on my part. I feel like I’ve held myself back and built up enough walls that people (women) can sense that and they immediately back off. I don’t know how to deconstruct those walls.
Another part is this guy Chris: he’s young, smart, not a bad lookin’ cat, and good at what he does at the office. All the women talk about him, to the point that they’re trying to fix him up with one of the women in the office. I’m sitting there and I look at these women as they talk about him (he who needs NO help with women) and ask, “Hey, what am I, chopped liver?”
No response.
That’s a source of anger – why do you want to help those that can help themselves but not take on a ‘challenge’ like me? It hurts me personally and, quite literally, makes me angry. But I don’t think that’s the core issue.
I have been a little busy with actual work to see whether they’ve already started setting up Chris and this new girl in Customer Service or if the other ‘hook up’ is still in play. Either way, I’m not part of either scenario. Whatever.
I’m wracking my brain to try and figure out this problem and then I begin to believe the answer is right in front of me. Okay, so maybe I know what the problem is and I know how to resolve it but maybe it’s a hurdle I can’t overcome. What if the answer to the question rings a bell that cannot be unrung. Maybe it’s a fear of something… commitment, giving up something I have… maybe I’m just selfish. Maybe a relationship is NOT something I want. Maybe I’m shooting myself in the foot because being alone is what I actually want.
(I’m just spitballin’ here, bear with me…)
And maybe I’ve missed the boat and should resign myself to standing on the end of the dock for the rest of my life. I’ve always had this weird feeling like I missed ‘her’ by a fraction of a second. I may have been standing at the airport and if I turned left instead of right I would have run right into her and we would have lived happily ever after.
(Wow, total ‘stream of conscience’ here…)
Maybe I’m just kidding myself. I went to sign up at an online dating service at one point and they made me fill out a questionnaire to begin. The damn thing took 45 minutes to fill out and, in the end, they rejected me for unknown reasons. But one of the things they did tell me is that I was looking for a woman who represented 47% of their database BUT only 7% of their database was looking for someone like me. Ouch.
That means I’m looking for a needle in a haystack. I’m standing at home plate waiting to catch a hail-mary pass. I’m standing in the desert waiting for my ship to come in.
Maybe I should feel grateful that someone out their exists for me. Maybe I’m not the one looking for a needle in a haystack – in that scenario I’m the needle looking to be found.
Maybe I just haven’t ‘let go’. I remember being in this situation years ago and I basically gave up wanting it. When I did, I started dating someone in a few weeks. I just can’t give up like that again. I can’t commit to it. If I let go that much I’ll probably end up getting hurt.
I know hurting is part of it. When you’re in a relationship and you’re trying to make your point at the same time the other half is making their opposite point and you feel a little hurt when they do. You find that you aren’t 100% compatible… just something in the high 90’s (if you’re lucky).
If the relationship doesn’t last, well, you feel hurt that it ended. There’s a part of you that wants it back and another part of you that would rather deal with something new. You heal over, then you move on. That’s how it’s SUPPOSED to work, isn’t it?
But you don’t fully move on. You carry a little bit of that old relationship to the new one. It’s called ‘baggage’. I would say my baggage is more mental than anything else. A single mother might have an unruly ex-husband as her baggage.
It doesn’t matter what it is, you paste that template against your new relationship and do your compare-and-contrast routine. “My last girlfriend had that same attribute”, you say to yourself. “That’s not something I want in a wife”. But you’re too far along at that point when you find this out, you’re too invested.
It’s emotional, that’s what it is. You’ve invested all this time, money and energy (my power formula) into this woman and you don’t want to feel like you’ve wasted any of that. You want to feel that it all matters, and that YOU matter, and that your feelings matter. You want to trust that other person and you want to be trusted by them. You want to believe them and believe IN them. Basically, you want to be loved – or at least liked. You want to feel good about yourself.
Hmm… that’s interesting because a lot of days I don’t feel good about myself. I’ve always heard that “you’ve got to love yourself before anyone can love you” mentality. I put too much stock in what I do for a living… I let that be a big part of who I am… I let it define me (to a certain extent). But isn’t that true? AREN’T we our occupation?
Currently, I’m not in love with my job. That is a strong reflection towards how I feel about myself. If I don’t like my job, I don’t like me.
Oh, the waters are muddied. I can’t figure it all out right this second. I need time to process this. I need something that will help relieve my anger. All I am asking for is a woman’s touch. It’s something so totally and completely out of my control, like trying to make my phone ring.
If you said ‘money’ that would be strike 2. You know what I’m really angry towards – women. Yes, I realize this is not a new subject but I think I’m getting to the core of the problem. Let me explain:
At work, we recently hired a young lady for our Customer Service department. She’s a total hottie with an incredible body – very nice to look at. I’ll admit she’s probably a little young for me but, for whatever reason, I feel anger towards her whenever I see her.It’s almost unfair. Okay, so I have to deal with that… fine. Then one of our shipping guys gets a visitor from some shipping company – total knockout. I almost gasped when I saw her. He’s an older guy (older than me) and been married with kids for a long time and he probably doesn’t even think about her ‘in that way’. Again, I feel anger towards this woman and I don’t even know her.
The final straw was when another guy in our office, I’ll call him Chris, gets a visit from a couple of sales women. I don’t know what company they’re from but all of them are standing in the reception area talking when I pass by. The word to describe these women is ‘stunning’. They’re both tall, slender, blonde women in power suits and high heels and this ‘kid’ is doing his best foot-in-the-dirt, hands-buried-in-pockets routine while he’s talking to them.
I get to my office and I’m pissed. I’ve now figured out half of my problem. The other half comes in figuring out why. Well, first of all, I have never gotten a visitor like that before. I had two salesmen come see me at the office, both of them skinny white dudes. No offense, but they really weren’t my type.
I guess maybe it’s a type of impatience on my part. I feel like I’ve held myself back and built up enough walls that people (women) can sense that and they immediately back off. I don’t know how to deconstruct those walls.
Another part is this guy Chris: he’s young, smart, not a bad lookin’ cat, and good at what he does at the office. All the women talk about him, to the point that they’re trying to fix him up with one of the women in the office. I’m sitting there and I look at these women as they talk about him (he who needs NO help with women) and ask, “Hey, what am I, chopped liver?”
No response.
That’s a source of anger – why do you want to help those that can help themselves but not take on a ‘challenge’ like me? It hurts me personally and, quite literally, makes me angry. But I don’t think that’s the core issue.
I have been a little busy with actual work to see whether they’ve already started setting up Chris and this new girl in Customer Service or if the other ‘hook up’ is still in play. Either way, I’m not part of either scenario. Whatever.
I’m wracking my brain to try and figure out this problem and then I begin to believe the answer is right in front of me. Okay, so maybe I know what the problem is and I know how to resolve it but maybe it’s a hurdle I can’t overcome. What if the answer to the question rings a bell that cannot be unrung. Maybe it’s a fear of something… commitment, giving up something I have… maybe I’m just selfish. Maybe a relationship is NOT something I want. Maybe I’m shooting myself in the foot because being alone is what I actually want.
(I’m just spitballin’ here, bear with me…)
And maybe I’ve missed the boat and should resign myself to standing on the end of the dock for the rest of my life. I’ve always had this weird feeling like I missed ‘her’ by a fraction of a second. I may have been standing at the airport and if I turned left instead of right I would have run right into her and we would have lived happily ever after.(Wow, total ‘stream of conscience’ here…)
Maybe I’m just kidding myself. I went to sign up at an online dating service at one point and they made me fill out a questionnaire to begin. The damn thing took 45 minutes to fill out and, in the end, they rejected me for unknown reasons. But one of the things they did tell me is that I was looking for a woman who represented 47% of their database BUT only 7% of their database was looking for someone like me. Ouch.
That means I’m looking for a needle in a haystack. I’m standing at home plate waiting to catch a hail-mary pass. I’m standing in the desert waiting for my ship to come in.Maybe I should feel grateful that someone out their exists for me. Maybe I’m not the one looking for a needle in a haystack – in that scenario I’m the needle looking to be found.
Maybe I just haven’t ‘let go’. I remember being in this situation years ago and I basically gave up wanting it. When I did, I started dating someone in a few weeks. I just can’t give up like that again. I can’t commit to it. If I let go that much I’ll probably end up getting hurt.
I know hurting is part of it. When you’re in a relationship and you’re trying to make your point at the same time the other half is making their opposite point and you feel a little hurt when they do. You find that you aren’t 100% compatible… just something in the high 90’s (if you’re lucky).
If the relationship doesn’t last, well, you feel hurt that it ended. There’s a part of you that wants it back and another part of you that would rather deal with something new. You heal over, then you move on. That’s how it’s SUPPOSED to work, isn’t it?
But you don’t fully move on. You carry a little bit of that old relationship to the new one. It’s called ‘baggage’. I would say my baggage is more mental than anything else. A single mother might have an unruly ex-husband as her baggage.
It doesn’t matter what it is, you paste that template against your new relationship and do your compare-and-contrast routine. “My last girlfriend had that same attribute”, you say to yourself. “That’s not something I want in a wife”. But you’re too far along at that point when you find this out, you’re too invested.
It’s emotional, that’s what it is. You’ve invested all this time, money and energy (my power formula) into this woman and you don’t want to feel like you’ve wasted any of that. You want to feel that it all matters, and that YOU matter, and that your feelings matter. You want to trust that other person and you want to be trusted by them. You want to believe them and believe IN them. Basically, you want to be loved – or at least liked. You want to feel good about yourself.
Hmm… that’s interesting because a lot of days I don’t feel good about myself. I’ve always heard that “you’ve got to love yourself before anyone can love you” mentality. I put too much stock in what I do for a living… I let that be a big part of who I am… I let it define me (to a certain extent). But isn’t that true? AREN’T we our occupation?
Currently, I’m not in love with my job. That is a strong reflection towards how I feel about myself. If I don’t like my job, I don’t like me.
Oh, the waters are muddied. I can’t figure it all out right this second. I need time to process this. I need something that will help relieve my anger. All I am asking for is a woman’s touch. It’s something so totally and completely out of my control, like trying to make my phone ring.
