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Some of my favorite tweets

I don't have a twitter account. In fact, at this point, I couldn't tell you who wrote these particular tweets but I can admit to you that I did not. Enjoy them anyway:

p.s. - I will be back to full strength on this blog in the coming new year.

When your only tool is a bong, every problem looks like it can wait until tomorrow.

Can't understand why some people are against childhood vaccination; I'd be thrilled if my kid turned out to be artistic.

"Telling me you're too young to understand my expressions makes me cringe like nails on a chalkboard", "What's a chalkboard?"

For Halloween I'm going as a newspaper and will regale everyone with things they read online yesterday.

That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them.

Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?

I like to poop with the door open but it makes it hard to drive.

Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?

Wow, my neighbors get horrible cell reception under their bed.

TO ALL SNAKES CURRENTLY ALIVE: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! I DECLARE A THUMB WAR... ohhhh. Too bad. Maybe next time.

I wonder if bulls hang out together in the pasture checking out attractive cows, nudging each other and saying, "Yeah... I'd tip that."

I'm trying not to swear as much around my daughter. Now she thinks I'm very fond of shih-tzus and focaccia.

If you say "it is what it is" one more time, I'm going to shove a Sartre so far up your Camus you'll have to wear a Kierkegaard.

In space no one can hear you scream. On a conference call no one can see you give them the finger.

If Monday is so unpopular, why do we keep having them?

Sometimes for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction.

Hey does anyone know how to order drive-in brontosaurus ribs so they don't tip the car over every single time? I'm asking for a Fred.

When my grandchildren ask what happened to the trees, I won't lie. I'll say "status reports and PowerPoint presentations".

I think my alarm clock has been cheating on me and waking up other people.

My new neighbor looks old enough to have been a beta tester for walking upright.

Note to self: Disregard all previous notes to self.

My wife said she needed a little TLC, but I told her that band broke up like five years ago.

I have such an expansive vocabulary, it's like totally, you know...Whatever.

Feliz Navidad? If you are gonna say Merry Christmas, say it in English because everybody knows that Jesus was American.

It's important to stop and remember sometimes that Coolio was an actual living, breathing human being and not just a salutation.

This day needs more yesterday.

I'm at Dick's Sporting Goods. Their Black Friday Sale was so HUGE and long that people are still coming.

Any man who cuts in front of a woman wearing sweats buying tampons, a bottle of vodka, Midol, and double stuff Oreos doesn't want to live.

You can tell a lot about a person by their shoes and how they arrange their underwear drawer. You have a lovely home, by the way.

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

It's really hard to say some things with a straight face. For instance, "honey, I'm having a stroke."

Hide your crazy next to your passion. They can't tell the difference.

Loving a movie solely for the special effects is a little like enjoying a poorly written book because of the fancy words.

125 PowerPoint slides? Well, I hope you're not presenting a case for how efficient our department is.

Only use the word "proactive" if it will dynamically impact your synergistic throughput paradigm.

I wish I knew a way to quickly convey that I'm audibly laughing on the internet.

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