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She Was Mine Once

I knew her before. I met her. We dated. We kissed. I knew her before… she was mine – once. Superman and I had lunch last week and he asked me about an old flame. To be honest, I hadn’t thought about Renee in a while. Maybe in passing once in a blue moon. Nothing serious, then… nothing.

When he mentioned her I told him she was probably the one – the one that somehow got away. She was perfect for me and I felt perfect for her. She had a daughter who liked me as well.

I remember the good times we shared… shopping, dining, going to the movies or staying in for the night. I remember when she called to break things off, I was numb after that. I lost my job a few days later. I don’t want to remember the bad; I don’t want to think about what I lost, I just want to remember the good.

After thinking about it for a minute, I wondered if she was on Facebook. I tried to find her using her first and last name – nothing. I tried looking for her by her first name – this time, too many.

Then I used her first name and the company where she worked when I knew her. There was only one item found – her. While I couldn’t see her whole profile, the proof was there. Her picture was from a wedding and she had a new last name. She was happy. Big, bright smile across her face. She was happy.

I’m not sure what to think about this. I mean, I knew that I didn’t make her happy. I knew this after she told me, after she broke it off. I was not happy.

But there she was in her profile picture, fresh from a wedding on the beach. She was happy. Her newly-minted husband staring at her as if to say “this is my wife”. He was happy. Well, he looked happy, anyway. It’s all about the happiness. I was not happy.

I don’t understand how this all works. I’m probably over thinking it. People say I’m too picky (I’m really not). People say I have to love myself before I can love someone else. People say I have to be more confident. How do you “be more” anything? That’s like asking someone to “be more beautiful”. It’s not something you can buy at the store.

It’s a house of cards, really. You build it up, you make sure it has no leaks, you work on it day and night and then, in an instant, it’s gone. Maybe that’s it… maybe I just don’t know how to retain the confidence I have. It’s not “be more confident” it’s “use the confidence you have” it’s “spend some confidence on credit” it’s… I don’t know what it is.

I shouldn’t have done it; I shouldn’t have looked her up. I could have stayed in my comfortable little tree and just ‘assumed’ that everything was the same. That she was just as unhappy as me, that she was thinking of me, that it was all about me.

But there she was, happy. I was fairly despondent the day after I saw this. I don’t know why, really. It’s been probably 2 years since I’ve seen her. But those feelings that you have for someone don’t just go away. They have to drift away over time. I thought they were gone because, like I said, I really wasn’t thinking about her. I had almost forgotten her.

I knew her before. I knew her. We dated, but never kept up the friendship. Now she’s married and happy. But I knew her before she was happy.

I knew her. She was mine… once.

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