For all you stickler's-for-detail... here is this past Monday's episode -- in its entirety. Enjoy!
[INT. DAY. One girl and one boy sitting on a couch. They appear to be in their early teens. The year is 2030]
FUTURE TED (VOICE OVER)
Kids, before I met your mother, when I was still out there searching, I learned something valuable: that love is not a science.
DAUGHTER
(sarcastically) Wow, that was a great story, Dad. (she gets up from the couch)
SON
We’re going to go watch TV (he gets up from the couch)
FUTURE TED (VOICE OVER)
Ya see, (they both sit back down) sometimes in life you just have to accept that certain things can’t be explained… and that’s kinda scary.
[INT. NIGHT. An Irish-themed pub in New York. The crowd is casual, comfortable. BARNEY, TED and ROBIN are already seated at a booth. MARSHALL and LILY walk in.]
MARSHALL
Oh, my god.
LILY
I know. I’m still shaking. (she grabs the drink from BARNEY’s hand and takes a sip)
BARNEY
What the --? Ha, ha… jokes on you: I have a cold.
ROBIN
Are you guys okay?
MARSHALL
(yelling toward the bartender) Another round and back it up for me and Lily!
TED
What happened?
MARSHALL
We saw something… up in the apartment.
LILY
Something bad…
[Flashback, to just a few minutes ago in thier apartment.]
(sfx: woosh!)
[INT. NIGHT. A dark apartment. The couple backs into the room. They are kissing. The light from the hallway splits the dark room. LILY turns on the light while MARSHALL closes the door to the apartment.]
MARSHALL
Ooh, I don’t know what it is but Margarita’s make me sexy.
LILY
Oh, mucho sexy… mmmm, Quero Marshall…
[They both spy an object on the floor of their apartment. ]
LILY
Oh, my god!
[They both run screaming from the apartment.]
[INT. NIGHT. Back to the bar, where we were before the flashback.]
TED
What was it?
MARSHALL
Only the craziest, meanest looking mouse you’ve ever seen.
LILY
Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn’t a mouse that was a huge cockroach.
MARSHALL
Baby, it was a mouse. It has whiskers.
LILY
What, those things coming out of his head? Those were antennae.
BARNEY
(snickering) Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
MARSHALL
It-It was a mouse!
BARNEY
(sarcastically) Oh, yea… sorry – my bad. You’re a man.
ROBIN
(looking up at the TV) Ooh, my story is on. Ted, pay attention. (to the bartender) Carl, turn it up.
ROBIN (on TV)
I’m here with Ellen Pierce, New York’s premier matchmaker. (turns to Ellen) Ellen, your company “Love Solutions” boasts 100% success rate. What’s your secret?
ELLEN (on TV)
(confidently) Science. Everything in life can be broken down to 1’s and 0’s – even love. All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm and – presto manifesto – you have a soul mate and it … works. (she turns and shows the wall of pictures behind her) Just ask all of my happy couples. And these are just the attractive ones, (whispers) I have more photos in the bathroom.
ROBIN (on TV)
“Love Solutions”, Ellen Pierce. A beacon of hope for New York City’s love-lorn. (we see another patron enter from behind ROBIN on the TV). Robin Sherbatsky…. (she fades off)
BARNEY
Was that chick at then end really a client?
ROBIN
Yes.
BARNEY
BARNEY
Come on!
[INT. DAY. TED is sitting alone in MARSHALL and LILY’S apartment. He hears faint rustling, like a mouse scurrying off. He shakes it off, momentarily. BARNEY bursts in and frightens TED.]
BARNEY
Ted! Hurry! You gotta help me! My boat is sinking!
TED
(who nearly jumps out of his skin) What?
BARNEY
My boat is sinking.
TED
You have a boat?
BARNEY
Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction. I just got a call from a guy down at the marina that it’s leaning to starboard at a 45 degree angle and if I don’t get down there right now it’s going to capsize. Now come on!
[BARNEY and TED rush out the door.]
[INT. DAY. BARNEY and TED are seen standing in the waiting room of “Love Solutions” with clipboards in their hands, filling out paperwork. TED seems to have realized he’s been dragged here under false pretenses.]
TED
“Your boat is sinking”… that was good.
BARNEY
C’mon, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity. We’ll meet our soul mates… nail ‘em and never call ‘em again.
[ELLEN PIERCE enters the lobby where they are.]
ELLEN
All finished, gentlemen? (BARNEY hands her his clipboard). Congratulations, you have just taken your very first step.
BARNEY
(in his smarmy way) Gosh, thanks, Ellen. I sure hope this works. I’m so done with the single life, all the games… the meaningless sex…
ELLEN
You deserve more.
BARNEY
That is so true, Ellen. I really think I’m ready to stop being a “Me” and start being a “We”. Hey, is there anyway I can let it be known that I love cuddling?
ELLEN
(who is 'buying it', at this point) Oh, of course you can. That is so – oh.
BARNEY
(laying it on thick) Kind of hard to talk about with Ted here, but I just want someone who’s not afraid to hold me… (voice is breaking) at night, when the tears come. Ellen, can you help me find her?
ELLEN
(who has looked over his paperwork) Get out!
BARNEY
What..?
ELLEN
I get 15 guys like you every week, jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail ‘em and never call ‘em again.
BARNEY
Oh, my god. People do that?!?
ELLEN
You want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
BARNEY
What’s the hard way, security roughs me up and tosses me out?
ELLEN
(chuckling) No, that’s the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap outta you myself.
BARNEY
You – okay, Ted lets go. (he leaves through the semi-transparent door)
ELLEN
Not you (to TED), you stay. (looking over TED’s paperwork) You’re cute. You’re an architect – good career. And you didn’t use an obvious alias on your application like your friend “Jack Package”.
BARNEY
(through the door) It’s pronounced puh-CAZH.
ELLEN
Get outta here! (back to TED) You, I can work with. You give me three days and I will find the woman you will marry.
TED
Uh… ha ha. No thanks. I don’t need an algorithm to meet women. It’s New York city… y’know – plenty of fish in the sea. (he stands to leave)
ELLEN
“Plenty of fish in the sea…” Yes, there’s 9 million people in New York, 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet somebody roughly your own age, let’s say plus/minus 5 years. (she is working the figures out on a calculator as she talks) So, if we take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000. But – ah – wait, 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to elminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility and then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives and – oh – we can’t forget those lesbians. And then, that leaves us with: 8 women.
TED
That can’t be right. Eight? (she shows him the calculator) Really, eight?
ELLEN
There are eight fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you could reel one into your boat without me… there’s the door.
TED
(sitting quickly) Do you take credit cards?
[INT. DAY. LILY and MARSHALL return to the bar. LILY walks up to BARNEY.]
LILY
Okay, it’s back and this time we got a good look. (Once again, she grabs the drink in BARNEY’S hand and drinks from it)
BARNEY
Hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that.
MARSHALL
It’s bigger now… it’s been feeding.
LILY
We were just upstairs watching TV…
[FLASHBACK]
(sfx: woosh!)
MARSHALL
(reacting to something on the TV) Oh, gosh… (he gasps – points out the creature to LILY)
LILY
Okay, let’s do this.
[LILY grabs a spray can and MARSHALL reaches behind him and takes the phone book in his hand. They sneak up on the creature and LILY sprays the bug repellent and MARSHALL slams the phone book down on him. They embrace like two people who have killed Godzilla. LILY squeals and MARSHALL tries to quiet her.]
MARSHALL
It’s okay. It’s over.
[They grow more calm until they see the phone book drag itself across the floor. They both scream and run out the door.]
[INT. DAY. LILY and MARSHALL are back at the bar, discussing their findings ROBIN and BARNEY]
BARNEY
So, did you get a good look at it?
LILY
Yea. It has six legs, a hard exo-skeleton, like a roach…
MARSHALL
… but it had mouse-like characteristics: grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail…
ROBIN
So which is it? A cockroach or a mouse?
LILY
It’s a cock-a-mouse.
ROBIN
What?
LILY
It’s some sort of mutant combination of the two. It’s as if a cockroach and mouse… (she can’t say the words) you know?
BARNEY
(who CAN say the words) … did the horizontal ten-legged interspecies cha-cha?
ROBIN
That’s impossible. That simply can’t happen.
LILY
Oh, but it can…
MARSHALL
… and it has…
LILY
… and it’s pissed.
[MARSHALL walks from the table. TED walks toward the group. To MARSHALL:]
TED
Dude, is everything okay? You left the front door open.
MARSHALL
(bleakly) There was no time. (He walks away)
ROBIN
(to TED) So, “Love Solutions”…? Did you meet the love of your life?
TED
She said it’d take three days… it’s been five days. Should I be worried?
LILY
Oh, just play it cool. Don’t “Ted” out about it.
BARNEY
Hmm…
TED
Did you just use my name as a verb?
BARNEY
Oh, yea… we do that behind your back. “Ted out”: to overthink. Also see, “Ted up”. “Ted up”: to overthink something with disastrous results. Sample sentence: ‘Billy “Tedded-up” when he tried…”
TED
Okay! I get it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to “Ted” anything up. Or out. I’ll just give it a few more days.
[CHROMA: “20 Minutes Later”]
[INT. DAY. “Love Solutions” Lobby.]
TED
Hi, Ellen, remember me? I’m Ted.
ELLEN
Ted, hi…
TED
Hi…
ELLEN
I, uh, meant to call you. The computer is still crunching the numbers. Busy as a bee, that little computer. (you can tell that she’s hedging)
TED
Ha… you said it was going to be three days?
ELLEN
Did I?
TED
Mmm…
ELLEN
Three days?
TED
Mmm…
ELLEN
Really?
TED
Yea… When someone says you’re gonna meet the perfect woman in three days you kinda put that in your date book. So…
ELLEN
How do I say this? This is going to be really hard: Ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you. Phew, actually I got through that okay.
TED
There are no women out there for me? I thought you said there were eight.
ELLEN
I know, there are supposed to be. I don’t know where they are.
TED
Wh-well, I’m an architect and you said I’m cute – I’m a cute architect.
ELLEN
How do you think I feel? I have 100% success rate. That’s my hook. I could maybe find somebody for you if you were gay.
TED
Well, I’m not.
ELLEN
A little “bi” maybe?
TED
No! (pause) You’re messing with me, right?
ELLEN
Come see for yourself (she sits at her computer). I cannot set you up unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.0 or higher – and, look (she points at the screen): 5.4, 4.8, 5.6…
TED
There’s a 9.6 right there (he points to the location on the screen)
ELLEN
(whispering) Don’t touch the computer. (he draws his hand back). Yes, Sarah O’Brien. I fixed her up 6 months ago, she would have been absolutely perfect for you.
TED
Well, what about the guy you set her up with, is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?
ELLEN
8.5.
TED
So he sucks!
ELLEN
No, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient.
TED
Oh, sure… it’s good. It’s solid. But a 9.6! (he points to himself)
ELLEN
Yes, 9.6 is off the charts but Sarah is matched up. Ted, look… I have a lunch – please… I promise we will find you somebody, don’t lose hope. There are new women turning 18 every day.
[They both exit the office. There is a brief pause and Ted walks in alone. He goes to the computer and prints out Sarah’s profile, taking the two pages with him]
[INT. NIGHT. LILY and MARSHALL are still going on about this new species they have come upon with the bar patrons]
LILY
It’s a whole new species. The “cock-a-mouse”.
MARSHALL
And it’s the size of a potatoe. (he turns around a small chalkboard with what looks like a drawing of a cat by a 2nd grader. It has very large teeth and a tail)
ROBIN
So, what – now it’s a “cock-a-potatoe-mouse”?
MARSHALL
Don’t make it sound ridiculous. It’s a cock-a-mouse.
TED
(reading Sarah’s profile) My god, this is incredible. We’re like the same person. Sarah O’Brien loves brunch, she wants to have 2 children… her guilty pleasure song is “Summer Breeze” by Seals and Croft.
BARNEY
Wow, Ted, sounds like you’re her perfect woman.
[Back across the bar…]
MARSHALL
… and like the majestic sea-horse, it’s hermaphroditic.
LILY
Obviously the whole thing is shrouded in mystery.
MARSHALL
For as much as we know about the cock-a-mouse, there is still so much we don’t know.
ROBIN
Well, we know that there is no such thing as a cock-a-mouse. What we don’t know is what you guys have been smoking.
MARSHALL
(to ROBIN) So you really don’t believe in the cock-a-mouse?
ROBIN
Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal but you’ve exagerated it in your mind, y’know… um, like the Loch Ness Monster.
MARSHALL
If by “like the Loch Ness Monster” you mean: ‘Totally exists and is awesome’, then, Yea… it’s like the Loch Ness Monster. (pause) It’s diet is not unlike our own – grains, cereals… and it’s awfully fond of cheese. (ROBIN walks away)
[Back to BARNEY and TED at the table]
TED
Okay, this is getting weird. The similarities go on-and-on: she hates phonies, I totally hate phonies, too. She’s a dermatologist, I have skin.
BARNEY
You want to be her boyfriend, she already has a boyfriend. It’s uncanny!
TED
Alright. But it wouldn’t hurt to check her out, right? See what my “9.6” looks like in person as, y’know, a frame of reference. And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?
FUTURE TED (VOICE OVER)
That’s right, I did the math.
[INT. DAY. A doctor’s office. Ted is wandering a bit, looking around the office. Sarah enter’s from a door on the right.]
TED
Hi.
SARAH
Hi, I’m Dr. O’Brien.
TED
I’m architect Mosby. Sorry, I just wanted to say my job, too.
SARAH
Heh, heh…
TED
Hi, I’m Ted.
SARAH
Hi. So what are we doing today?
TED
Right. (he sits on the examination table) I have a kind of mole on my back. It’s probably nothing but I’m a cautious guy.
SARAH
I’m exactly the same.
TED
(under his breath, starts to sing) Summer Breeze…makes me feel fine…
BOTH
… blowing through the jasmine in my mind…
SARAH
(imitates the guitar riff that follows)
TED
(chuckling) Sorry about that. “Summer Breeze” is my guilty pleasure song. It’s been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend – at brunch.
SARAH
I love brunch.
TED
It’s the best… as long as I don’t have to spend it with a bunch of phonies.
SARAH
I like the way you think, architect Mosby.
TED
Hey, this may sound weird but it’ll definitely sound more weird once my shirt’s off so I’m gonna ask you now: Do you want to have dinner with me Saturday night?
SARAH
Oh, that’s very sweet but I’m actually getting married on Saturday.
TED
(pause) Friday night?
TED
Wow, you’re getting married. Congratulations.
SARAH
Thank you.
TED
I’m really sorry I asked you out, it just felt like it could be this weird connection between us. How crazy am I coming off here?
SARAH
Only a little.
TED
Well, if by some million-to-one longshot – and I’m not rooting for this – you wind up not getting married this weekend, give me a call.
SARAH
Okay. But it’s not likely… I look damn good in my dress.
TED
I’m sure you do.
[INT. DAY. LILY and MARSHALL’s apartment. They have rigged up an upside-down pot with some cheese as bait – much like you’d see in a cartoon. ROBIN walks in as they are ‘setting the trap’.]
ROBIN
Wow… that’s a pretty sophisticated trap. You think the roadrunner is gonna fall for it?
LILY
Okay, we get it… you’re skeptical. But Marshall and I – we’re believers. We believe.
MARSHALL
Yea, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome. You’ve got the Bermuda Triangle, ghosts, Bigfoot…
ROBIN
… bad maps, creaky houses, hill-billy in a gorilla suit.
MARSHALL
(who thinks he has the ‘clincher’) Aliens? (ROBIN shakes her head 'no') Oh, c’mon – you gotta give me aliens! Stonehenge, Area 51 – there’s alien crap all over the place.
ROBIN
(chuckles) You can’t be serious?
MARSHALL
My friend, you just poked the bear. (he walks into one of the back rooms)
[TED enters with BARNEY close behind. TED stands as he talks, BARNEY sits on the couch, quietly playing with his PDA]
TED
So, my “9.6”: beautiful, charming, intelligent… engaged.
ROBIN
Oh…
LILY
Oh, Ted, I’m so sorry.
TED
(he sits on the couch next to BARNEY) Yea, it was a long shot. I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind, but… I don’t know. I guess –
LILY
Whoa, whoa… let’s not skip over this. Raise your hand if, earlier today, you hit on an engaged woman.
[TED reluctantly raises his hand. To our surprise, so does BARNEY]
BARNEY
C’mon, Lily, don’t hate the player, hate the game.
[MARSHALL walks back into the room with a book in his hands, open as he quotes from it…]
MARSHALL
“… On the night of July 2nd, 1947, conditions were clear over Roswell New Mexico…”
ROBIN
Oh, geez…
MARSHALL
(who has spotted TED) Oh, hey Ted. There’s a message on the machine for you. Dr. O’Brien?
TED
What?
MARSHALL
“… When suddenly an array from the –“
TED
(who uses gibberish to quiet MARSHALL. He then presses the button on the answering machine)
SARAH
(on the Answering Machine) "Ted, Hi. This is Dr. O’Brien. About today… listen, I really need to talk to you. Call me, I’ll be at the office all day."
BARNEY
(slyly) The doctor will see you now.
TED
What should I do? I-I should totally go down there, right?
LILY
Don’t interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday.
TED
Yea, an “8.5” guy. Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it… I’d want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so. In that scenario I’m not interfering I’m a happy ending.
BARNEY
(chuckling) Happy ending…
TED
Look, I have to go down there. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I get there but I gotta give it a shot. (he leaves)
BARNEY
(gets up to leave) Alright, see you later. Happy hunting. (ROBIN also rises to leave)
LILY
Wait, where are you guys going? Don’t you want to stay and see the cock-a-mouse?
BARNEY
Yea, we’re gonna go and make some crop circles.
ROBIN
(laughs)
[Just as they close the door, the trap ‘springs’ and catches its prey]
MARSHALL
Oh, my god!
LILY
Holy crapbuckets, we got it! Now what do we do with it.
MARSHALL
Calm down. I have a plan. I told my friend Sadip about it, he wants to show it to the Columbia biology department. But it has to be alive.
LILY
Wait, no… no. They’ll do lab experiments on it, that’s so mean. Shouldn’t we just beat it to death with a bat?
[INT. DAY. In the lobby to a doctor’s office. TED enters from a door on the left to find Dr. O’Brien there.]
TED
Hello again.
SARAH
I’m glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person.
TED
Go ahead, Sarah, you can tell me anything.
SARAH
You have a basal cell carcinoma.
TED
Anything else?
SARAH
You’re mole… the biopsy came back. It’s not life-threatening but we should excise the rest of it.
TED
Wait… then you’re still getting married?
SARAH
Of course I’m still getting married.
TED
But we’re a 9.6.
SARAH
Excuse me?
TED
Okay… I went to “Love Solutions” and I saw in Ellen Pierce’s computer that you and I are a 9.6. Your fiancee is only an 8.5.
SARAH
You looked at my file?
TED
I had to. You’re my only match. Aren’t you even a little curious? The woman who set you up with your finacee thinks we’re a better match.
SARAH
I am getting married on Saturday.
TED
(trying to rekindle the ‘magic’) “Summer Breeze…”
SARAH
Ted…
TED
Look, don’t you think you’re being a little impulsive marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?
SARAH
Don’t you think it’s a little impulsive for you to proposition an engaged woman you don’t even know?
TED
See? We’re both impulsive. We’re perfect for each other.
SARAH
Ted, just calm down.
TED
Calm down? You’re my only match! (he sits down in one of the chairs) There was a computer… and there were eight fish in a sea… full of lesbians, and –
SARAH
Okay, Ted.. Ted… Do you honestly believe, deep down, that there is no one else out there for you just because some computer says so? (she sits in the other chair)
TED
I didn’t used to… There was math, I got confused…
SARAH
Love isn’t a science. You can’t calculate a feeling. When you fall in love with someone an 8.5 equals a perfect 10.
TED
You’re right.
[INT. DAY. A laboratory in a college. SADIP is wearing a white coat and thick rubber gloves. MARSHALL stands next to him. The pot that the creature is in, sits on the counter.]
SADIP
If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career.
MARSHALL
Brace yourself, dude. This is gonna blow your mind-hole.
[SADIP removes the cover on the pot and looks in. MARSHALL takes a step back.]
SADIP
You bastard. I actually got excited about this.
MARSHALL
What?
SADIP
It’s empty.
MARSHALL
Wha--? Wait, but if it’s not here… that means: Lily!
[INT. DAY. Back at MARSHALL and LILY’s apartment, LILY is standing in an interior doorway, ROBIN is on the couch. LILY spies the creature on the floor]
LILY
Rob-innnn….!
ROBIN
What? (she gets up and looks from LILY’s point of view) Oh, my god. It’s real.
LILY
(sarcastically) No, is it? Do something.
ROBIN
(looks around for something heavy. Not finding anything like that, she grabs the martini she was drinking and throws the alcohol at it)
LILY
Nooooooo! What the hell was that? Are you trying to get it drunk?
ROBIN
It was the only thing I could think of!
[MARSHALL enters abruptly, with the thick rubber gloves he got from SADIP]
MARSHALL
Lily! Thank god! (he spies the little demon) Baby, I love you! (he reaches down and picks it up) AHHHH!!! Robin, open the window!
LILY
Aaaaahhhh!!!
[ROBIN has reached the window but can’t seem to open it. There are some anguished screams as she tries to open it. Eventually she does and MARSHALL throws the creature out the window]
ROBIN
It can fly.
ALL
Wow…
MARSHALL
(still staring out the window at the creature) Be free, mutant beast. I’ll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire it’s tenacious holy mother of GOD IT’S HEADED THIS WAY!!
[MARSHALL closes the window in time to see the thing hit the glass]
[INT. NIGHT. The office of “Love Solutions”. ELLEN is slumped in a lobby chair]
TED
(surprisingly upbeat) Hi, Ellen. I think I want my money back.
ELLEN
I’m a failure. I’m all washed up. I tried everything, Ted. (she walks to her computer) I widened the search parameters, I tweaked the program. Last night, I stood out on the street for 5 hours showing your photo to random pedestrians – no takers. Although, this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price because you kinda look like John Cusak and his/her favorite movie was “Say Anything…” (she falls to her chair, starting to cry, downing the remnants of a pint of ice cream)
TED
C’mon, Ellen… I mean, a pint of ice cream? Isn’t that a bit cliché?
ELLEN
It’s for the bourbon.
TED
This isn’t hopeless. You’re gonna find someone for me.
ELLEN
(weakly) No, I won’t. You’re gonna die alone.
TED
I’m not gonna die alone. Look at me: I’m bright, I’m attractive. You just gotta get back out there and keep looking.
ELLEN
No. (almost crying) You’re never gonna find anybody and every year you’re just getting older and it’s getting harder and harder.
TED
You’re being ridiculous. I’m gonna be up on that wall one of these days.
ELLEN
No you won’t!
TED
Yes I will!
ELLEN
How do you know?
TED
I don’t know but I believe. Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city then – dammit – so can I.
ELLEN
You’re losing me…
TED
The point is… something good is gonna happen to me. I mean, maybe your computer will help, maybe it won’t but – it’ll happen.
ELLEN
So, I should keep looking?
TED
Of course you should. And now… you’re gonna do it for free.
[INT. DAY. One girl and one boy sitting on a couch. They appear to be in their early teens. The year is 2030]
FUTURE TED (VOICE OVER)
Kids, before I met your mother, when I was still out there searching, I learned something valuable: that love is not a science.
DAUGHTER
(sarcastically) Wow, that was a great story, Dad. (she gets up from the couch)
SON
We’re going to go watch TV (he gets up from the couch)
FUTURE TED (VOICE OVER)
Ya see, (they both sit back down) sometimes in life you just have to accept that certain things can’t be explained… and that’s kinda scary.
[INT. NIGHT. An Irish-themed pub in New York. The crowd is casual, comfortable. BARNEY, TED and ROBIN are already seated at a booth. MARSHALL and LILY walk in.]
MARSHALL
Oh, my god.
LILY
I know. I’m still shaking. (she grabs the drink from BARNEY’s hand and takes a sip)
BARNEY
What the --? Ha, ha… jokes on you: I have a cold.
ROBIN
Are you guys okay?
MARSHALL
(yelling toward the bartender) Another round and back it up for me and Lily!
TED
What happened?
MARSHALL
We saw something… up in the apartment.
LILY
Something bad…
[Flashback, to just a few minutes ago in thier apartment.]
(sfx: woosh!)
[INT. NIGHT. A dark apartment. The couple backs into the room. They are kissing. The light from the hallway splits the dark room. LILY turns on the light while MARSHALL closes the door to the apartment.]
MARSHALL
Ooh, I don’t know what it is but Margarita’s make me sexy.
LILY
Oh, mucho sexy… mmmm, Quero Marshall…
[They both spy an object on the floor of their apartment. ]
LILY
Oh, my god!
[They both run screaming from the apartment.]
[INT. NIGHT. Back to the bar, where we were before the flashback.]
TED
What was it?
MARSHALL
Only the craziest, meanest looking mouse you’ve ever seen.
LILY
Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn’t a mouse that was a huge cockroach.
MARSHALL
Baby, it was a mouse. It has whiskers.
LILY
What, those things coming out of his head? Those were antennae.
BARNEY
(snickering) Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
MARSHALL
It-It was a mouse!
BARNEY
(sarcastically) Oh, yea… sorry – my bad. You’re a man.
ROBIN
(looking up at the TV) Ooh, my story is on. Ted, pay attention. (to the bartender) Carl, turn it up.
ROBIN (on TV)
I’m here with Ellen Pierce, New York’s premier matchmaker. (turns to Ellen) Ellen, your company “Love Solutions” boasts 100% success rate. What’s your secret?
ELLEN (on TV)
(confidently) Science. Everything in life can be broken down to 1’s and 0’s – even love. All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm and – presto manifesto – you have a soul mate and it … works. (she turns and shows the wall of pictures behind her) Just ask all of my happy couples. And these are just the attractive ones, (whispers) I have more photos in the bathroom.
ROBIN (on TV)
“Love Solutions”, Ellen Pierce. A beacon of hope for New York City’s love-lorn. (we see another patron enter from behind ROBIN on the TV). Robin Sherbatsky…. (she fades off)
BARNEY
Was that chick at then end really a client?
ROBIN
Yes.
BARNEY
(to TED) We’re signing up.
TED
What?
BARNEY
Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that’s a perfect cocktail. Shake well, then sleep with.
TED
I’m not going to a matchmaker. That’s like giving up. It’s the man version of getting a cat.
[Meanwhile, across the bar]
MARSHALL
No, it wasn’t a cockroach, it had fur and only mammals have fur.
LILY
It was a cockroach.
MARSHALL
C’mon, Lily the only way that was a cockroach is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
LILY
(realizing the gravity of his statement) Oh, my god. (Again, she takes the drink from BARNEY’s hand and takes a sip)
TED
What?
BARNEY
Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that’s a perfect cocktail. Shake well, then sleep with.
TED
I’m not going to a matchmaker. That’s like giving up. It’s the man version of getting a cat.
[Meanwhile, across the bar]
MARSHALL
No, it wasn’t a cockroach, it had fur and only mammals have fur.
LILY
It was a cockroach.
MARSHALL
C’mon, Lily the only way that was a cockroach is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
LILY
(realizing the gravity of his statement) Oh, my god. (Again, she takes the drink from BARNEY’s hand and takes a sip)
BARNEY
Come on!
[INT. DAY. TED is sitting alone in MARSHALL and LILY’S apartment. He hears faint rustling, like a mouse scurrying off. He shakes it off, momentarily. BARNEY bursts in and frightens TED.]
BARNEY
Ted! Hurry! You gotta help me! My boat is sinking!
TED
(who nearly jumps out of his skin) What?
BARNEY
My boat is sinking.
TED
You have a boat?
BARNEY
Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction. I just got a call from a guy down at the marina that it’s leaning to starboard at a 45 degree angle and if I don’t get down there right now it’s going to capsize. Now come on!
[BARNEY and TED rush out the door.]
[INT. DAY. BARNEY and TED are seen standing in the waiting room of “Love Solutions” with clipboards in their hands, filling out paperwork. TED seems to have realized he’s been dragged here under false pretenses.]
TED
“Your boat is sinking”… that was good.
BARNEY
C’mon, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity. We’ll meet our soul mates… nail ‘em and never call ‘em again.
[ELLEN PIERCE enters the lobby where they are.]
ELLEN
All finished, gentlemen? (BARNEY hands her his clipboard). Congratulations, you have just taken your very first step.
BARNEY
(in his smarmy way) Gosh, thanks, Ellen. I sure hope this works. I’m so done with the single life, all the games… the meaningless sex…
ELLEN
You deserve more.
BARNEY
That is so true, Ellen. I really think I’m ready to stop being a “Me” and start being a “We”. Hey, is there anyway I can let it be known that I love cuddling?
ELLEN
(who is 'buying it', at this point) Oh, of course you can. That is so – oh.
BARNEY
(laying it on thick) Kind of hard to talk about with Ted here, but I just want someone who’s not afraid to hold me… (voice is breaking) at night, when the tears come. Ellen, can you help me find her?
ELLEN
(who has looked over his paperwork) Get out!
BARNEY
What..?
ELLEN
I get 15 guys like you every week, jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail ‘em and never call ‘em again.
BARNEY
Oh, my god. People do that?!?
ELLEN
You want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
BARNEY
What’s the hard way, security roughs me up and tosses me out?
ELLEN
(chuckling) No, that’s the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap outta you myself.
BARNEY
You – okay, Ted lets go. (he leaves through the semi-transparent door)
ELLEN
Not you (to TED), you stay. (looking over TED’s paperwork) You’re cute. You’re an architect – good career. And you didn’t use an obvious alias on your application like your friend “Jack Package”.
BARNEY
(through the door) It’s pronounced puh-CAZH.
ELLEN
Get outta here! (back to TED) You, I can work with. You give me three days and I will find the woman you will marry.
TED
Uh… ha ha. No thanks. I don’t need an algorithm to meet women. It’s New York city… y’know – plenty of fish in the sea. (he stands to leave)
ELLEN
“Plenty of fish in the sea…” Yes, there’s 9 million people in New York, 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet somebody roughly your own age, let’s say plus/minus 5 years. (she is working the figures out on a calculator as she talks) So, if we take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000. But – ah – wait, 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to elminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility and then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives and – oh – we can’t forget those lesbians. And then, that leaves us with: 8 women.
TED
That can’t be right. Eight? (she shows him the calculator) Really, eight?
ELLEN
There are eight fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you could reel one into your boat without me… there’s the door.
TED
(sitting quickly) Do you take credit cards?
[INT. DAY. LILY and MARSHALL return to the bar. LILY walks up to BARNEY.]
LILY
Okay, it’s back and this time we got a good look. (Once again, she grabs the drink in BARNEY’S hand and drinks from it)
BARNEY
Hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that.
MARSHALL
It’s bigger now… it’s been feeding.
LILY
We were just upstairs watching TV…
[FLASHBACK]
(sfx: woosh!)
MARSHALL
(reacting to something on the TV) Oh, gosh… (he gasps – points out the creature to LILY)
LILY
Okay, let’s do this.
[LILY grabs a spray can and MARSHALL reaches behind him and takes the phone book in his hand. They sneak up on the creature and LILY sprays the bug repellent and MARSHALL slams the phone book down on him. They embrace like two people who have killed Godzilla. LILY squeals and MARSHALL tries to quiet her.]
MARSHALL
It’s okay. It’s over.
[They grow more calm until they see the phone book drag itself across the floor. They both scream and run out the door.]
[INT. DAY. LILY and MARSHALL are back at the bar, discussing their findings ROBIN and BARNEY]
BARNEY
So, did you get a good look at it?
LILY
Yea. It has six legs, a hard exo-skeleton, like a roach…
MARSHALL
… but it had mouse-like characteristics: grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail…
ROBIN
So which is it? A cockroach or a mouse?
LILY
It’s a cock-a-mouse.
ROBIN
What?
LILY
It’s some sort of mutant combination of the two. It’s as if a cockroach and mouse… (she can’t say the words) you know?
BARNEY
(who CAN say the words) … did the horizontal ten-legged interspecies cha-cha?
ROBIN
That’s impossible. That simply can’t happen.
LILY
Oh, but it can…
MARSHALL
… and it has…
LILY
… and it’s pissed.
[MARSHALL walks from the table. TED walks toward the group. To MARSHALL:]
TED
Dude, is everything okay? You left the front door open.
MARSHALL
(bleakly) There was no time. (He walks away)
ROBIN
(to TED) So, “Love Solutions”…? Did you meet the love of your life?
TED
She said it’d take three days… it’s been five days. Should I be worried?
LILY
Oh, just play it cool. Don’t “Ted” out about it.
BARNEY
Hmm…
TED
Did you just use my name as a verb?
BARNEY
Oh, yea… we do that behind your back. “Ted out”: to overthink. Also see, “Ted up”. “Ted up”: to overthink something with disastrous results. Sample sentence: ‘Billy “Tedded-up” when he tried…”
TED
Okay! I get it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to “Ted” anything up. Or out. I’ll just give it a few more days.
[CHROMA: “20 Minutes Later”]
[INT. DAY. “Love Solutions” Lobby.]
TED
Hi, Ellen, remember me? I’m Ted.
ELLEN
Ted, hi…
TED
Hi…
ELLEN
I, uh, meant to call you. The computer is still crunching the numbers. Busy as a bee, that little computer. (you can tell that she’s hedging)
TED
Ha… you said it was going to be three days?
ELLEN
Did I?
TED
Mmm…
ELLEN
Three days?
TED
Mmm…
ELLEN
Really?
TED
Yea… When someone says you’re gonna meet the perfect woman in three days you kinda put that in your date book. So…
ELLEN
How do I say this? This is going to be really hard: Ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you. Phew, actually I got through that okay.
TED
There are no women out there for me? I thought you said there were eight.
ELLEN
I know, there are supposed to be. I don’t know where they are.
TED
Wh-well, I’m an architect and you said I’m cute – I’m a cute architect.
ELLEN
How do you think I feel? I have 100% success rate. That’s my hook. I could maybe find somebody for you if you were gay.
TED
Well, I’m not.
ELLEN
A little “bi” maybe?
TED
No! (pause) You’re messing with me, right?
ELLEN
Come see for yourself (she sits at her computer). I cannot set you up unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.0 or higher – and, look (she points at the screen): 5.4, 4.8, 5.6…
TED
There’s a 9.6 right there (he points to the location on the screen)
ELLEN
(whispering) Don’t touch the computer. (he draws his hand back). Yes, Sarah O’Brien. I fixed her up 6 months ago, she would have been absolutely perfect for you.
TED
Well, what about the guy you set her up with, is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?
ELLEN
8.5.
TED
So he sucks!
ELLEN
No, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient.
TED
Oh, sure… it’s good. It’s solid. But a 9.6! (he points to himself)
ELLEN
Yes, 9.6 is off the charts but Sarah is matched up. Ted, look… I have a lunch – please… I promise we will find you somebody, don’t lose hope. There are new women turning 18 every day.
[They both exit the office. There is a brief pause and Ted walks in alone. He goes to the computer and prints out Sarah’s profile, taking the two pages with him]
[INT. NIGHT. LILY and MARSHALL are still going on about this new species they have come upon with the bar patrons]
LILY
It’s a whole new species. The “cock-a-mouse”.
MARSHALL
And it’s the size of a potatoe. (he turns around a small chalkboard with what looks like a drawing of a cat by a 2nd grader. It has very large teeth and a tail)
ROBIN
So, what – now it’s a “cock-a-potatoe-mouse”?
MARSHALL
Don’t make it sound ridiculous. It’s a cock-a-mouse.
TED
(reading Sarah’s profile) My god, this is incredible. We’re like the same person. Sarah O’Brien loves brunch, she wants to have 2 children… her guilty pleasure song is “Summer Breeze” by Seals and Croft.
BARNEY
Wow, Ted, sounds like you’re her perfect woman.
[Back across the bar…]
MARSHALL
… and like the majestic sea-horse, it’s hermaphroditic.
LILY
Obviously the whole thing is shrouded in mystery.
MARSHALL
For as much as we know about the cock-a-mouse, there is still so much we don’t know.
ROBIN
Well, we know that there is no such thing as a cock-a-mouse. What we don’t know is what you guys have been smoking.
MARSHALL
(to ROBIN) So you really don’t believe in the cock-a-mouse?
ROBIN
Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal but you’ve exagerated it in your mind, y’know… um, like the Loch Ness Monster.
MARSHALL
If by “like the Loch Ness Monster” you mean: ‘Totally exists and is awesome’, then, Yea… it’s like the Loch Ness Monster. (pause) It’s diet is not unlike our own – grains, cereals… and it’s awfully fond of cheese. (ROBIN walks away)
[Back to BARNEY and TED at the table]
TED
Okay, this is getting weird. The similarities go on-and-on: she hates phonies, I totally hate phonies, too. She’s a dermatologist, I have skin.
BARNEY
You want to be her boyfriend, she already has a boyfriend. It’s uncanny!
TED
Alright. But it wouldn’t hurt to check her out, right? See what my “9.6” looks like in person as, y’know, a frame of reference. And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?
FUTURE TED (VOICE OVER)
That’s right, I did the math.
[INT. DAY. A doctor’s office. Ted is wandering a bit, looking around the office. Sarah enter’s from a door on the right.]
TED
Hi.
SARAH
Hi, I’m Dr. O’Brien.
TED
I’m architect Mosby. Sorry, I just wanted to say my job, too.
SARAH
Heh, heh…
TED
Hi, I’m Ted.
SARAH
Hi. So what are we doing today?
TED
Right. (he sits on the examination table) I have a kind of mole on my back. It’s probably nothing but I’m a cautious guy.
SARAH
I’m exactly the same.
TED
(under his breath, starts to sing) Summer Breeze…makes me feel fine…
BOTH
… blowing through the jasmine in my mind…
SARAH
(imitates the guitar riff that follows)
TED
(chuckling) Sorry about that. “Summer Breeze” is my guilty pleasure song. It’s been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend – at brunch.
SARAH
I love brunch.
TED
It’s the best… as long as I don’t have to spend it with a bunch of phonies.
SARAH
I like the way you think, architect Mosby.
TED
Hey, this may sound weird but it’ll definitely sound more weird once my shirt’s off so I’m gonna ask you now: Do you want to have dinner with me Saturday night?
SARAH
Oh, that’s very sweet but I’m actually getting married on Saturday.
TED
(pause) Friday night?
TED
Wow, you’re getting married. Congratulations.
SARAH
Thank you.
TED
I’m really sorry I asked you out, it just felt like it could be this weird connection between us. How crazy am I coming off here?
SARAH
Only a little.
TED
Well, if by some million-to-one longshot – and I’m not rooting for this – you wind up not getting married this weekend, give me a call.
SARAH
Okay. But it’s not likely… I look damn good in my dress.
TED
I’m sure you do.
[INT. DAY. LILY and MARSHALL’s apartment. They have rigged up an upside-down pot with some cheese as bait – much like you’d see in a cartoon. ROBIN walks in as they are ‘setting the trap’.]
ROBIN
Wow… that’s a pretty sophisticated trap. You think the roadrunner is gonna fall for it?
LILY
Okay, we get it… you’re skeptical. But Marshall and I – we’re believers. We believe.
MARSHALL
Yea, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome. You’ve got the Bermuda Triangle, ghosts, Bigfoot…
ROBIN
… bad maps, creaky houses, hill-billy in a gorilla suit.
MARSHALL
(who thinks he has the ‘clincher’) Aliens? (ROBIN shakes her head 'no') Oh, c’mon – you gotta give me aliens! Stonehenge, Area 51 – there’s alien crap all over the place.
ROBIN
(chuckles) You can’t be serious?
MARSHALL
My friend, you just poked the bear. (he walks into one of the back rooms)
[TED enters with BARNEY close behind. TED stands as he talks, BARNEY sits on the couch, quietly playing with his PDA]
TED
So, my “9.6”: beautiful, charming, intelligent… engaged.
ROBIN
Oh…
LILY
Oh, Ted, I’m so sorry.
TED
(he sits on the couch next to BARNEY) Yea, it was a long shot. I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind, but… I don’t know. I guess –
LILY
Whoa, whoa… let’s not skip over this. Raise your hand if, earlier today, you hit on an engaged woman.
[TED reluctantly raises his hand. To our surprise, so does BARNEY]
BARNEY
C’mon, Lily, don’t hate the player, hate the game.
[MARSHALL walks back into the room with a book in his hands, open as he quotes from it…]
MARSHALL
“… On the night of July 2nd, 1947, conditions were clear over Roswell New Mexico…”
ROBIN
Oh, geez…
MARSHALL
(who has spotted TED) Oh, hey Ted. There’s a message on the machine for you. Dr. O’Brien?
TED
What?
MARSHALL
“… When suddenly an array from the –“
TED
(who uses gibberish to quiet MARSHALL. He then presses the button on the answering machine)
SARAH
(on the Answering Machine) "Ted, Hi. This is Dr. O’Brien. About today… listen, I really need to talk to you. Call me, I’ll be at the office all day."
BARNEY
(slyly) The doctor will see you now.
TED
What should I do? I-I should totally go down there, right?
LILY
Don’t interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday.
TED
Yea, an “8.5” guy. Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it… I’d want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so. In that scenario I’m not interfering I’m a happy ending.
BARNEY
(chuckling) Happy ending…
MARSHALL
(Chuckles at the 'happy ending' quip that BARNEY has made)
TED
Look, I have to go down there. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I get there but I gotta give it a shot. (he leaves)
BARNEY
(gets up to leave) Alright, see you later. Happy hunting. (ROBIN also rises to leave)
LILY
Wait, where are you guys going? Don’t you want to stay and see the cock-a-mouse?
BARNEY
Yea, we’re gonna go and make some crop circles.
ROBIN
(laughs)
[Just as they close the door, the trap ‘springs’ and catches its prey]
MARSHALL
Oh, my god!
LILY
Holy crapbuckets, we got it! Now what do we do with it.
MARSHALL
Calm down. I have a plan. I told my friend Sadip about it, he wants to show it to the Columbia biology department. But it has to be alive.
LILY
Wait, no… no. They’ll do lab experiments on it, that’s so mean. Shouldn’t we just beat it to death with a bat?
[INT. DAY. In the lobby to a doctor’s office. TED enters from a door on the left to find Dr. O’Brien there.]
TED
Hello again.
SARAH
I’m glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person.
TED
Go ahead, Sarah, you can tell me anything.
SARAH
You have a basal cell carcinoma.
TED
Anything else?
SARAH
You’re mole… the biopsy came back. It’s not life-threatening but we should excise the rest of it.
TED
Wait… then you’re still getting married?
SARAH
Of course I’m still getting married.
TED
But we’re a 9.6.
SARAH
Excuse me?
TED
Okay… I went to “Love Solutions” and I saw in Ellen Pierce’s computer that you and I are a 9.6. Your fiancee is only an 8.5.
SARAH
You looked at my file?
TED
I had to. You’re my only match. Aren’t you even a little curious? The woman who set you up with your finacee thinks we’re a better match.
SARAH
I am getting married on Saturday.
TED
(trying to rekindle the ‘magic’) “Summer Breeze…”
SARAH
Ted…
TED
Look, don’t you think you’re being a little impulsive marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?
SARAH
Don’t you think it’s a little impulsive for you to proposition an engaged woman you don’t even know?
TED
See? We’re both impulsive. We’re perfect for each other.
SARAH
Ted, just calm down.
TED
Calm down? You’re my only match! (he sits down in one of the chairs) There was a computer… and there were eight fish in a sea… full of lesbians, and –
SARAH
Okay, Ted.. Ted… Do you honestly believe, deep down, that there is no one else out there for you just because some computer says so? (she sits in the other chair)
TED
I didn’t used to… There was math, I got confused…
SARAH
Love isn’t a science. You can’t calculate a feeling. When you fall in love with someone an 8.5 equals a perfect 10.
TED
You’re right.
[INT. DAY. A laboratory in a college. SADIP is wearing a white coat and thick rubber gloves. MARSHALL stands next to him. The pot that the creature is in, sits on the counter.]
SADIP
If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career.
MARSHALL
Brace yourself, dude. This is gonna blow your mind-hole.
[SADIP removes the cover on the pot and looks in. MARSHALL takes a step back.]
SADIP
You bastard. I actually got excited about this.
MARSHALL
What?
SADIP
It’s empty.
MARSHALL
Wha--? Wait, but if it’s not here… that means: Lily!
[INT. DAY. Back at MARSHALL and LILY’s apartment, LILY is standing in an interior doorway, ROBIN is on the couch. LILY spies the creature on the floor]
LILY
Rob-innnn….!
ROBIN
What? (she gets up and looks from LILY’s point of view) Oh, my god. It’s real.
LILY
(sarcastically) No, is it? Do something.
ROBIN
(looks around for something heavy. Not finding anything like that, she grabs the martini she was drinking and throws the alcohol at it)
LILY
Nooooooo! What the hell was that? Are you trying to get it drunk?
ROBIN
It was the only thing I could think of!
[MARSHALL enters abruptly, with the thick rubber gloves he got from SADIP]
MARSHALL
Lily! Thank god! (he spies the little demon) Baby, I love you! (he reaches down and picks it up) AHHHH!!! Robin, open the window!
LILY
Aaaaahhhh!!!
[ROBIN has reached the window but can’t seem to open it. There are some anguished screams as she tries to open it. Eventually she does and MARSHALL throws the creature out the window]
ROBIN
It can fly.
ALL
Wow…
MARSHALL
(still staring out the window at the creature) Be free, mutant beast. I’ll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire it’s tenacious holy mother of GOD IT’S HEADED THIS WAY!!
[MARSHALL closes the window in time to see the thing hit the glass]
[INT. NIGHT. The office of “Love Solutions”. ELLEN is slumped in a lobby chair]
TED
(surprisingly upbeat) Hi, Ellen. I think I want my money back.
ELLEN
I’m a failure. I’m all washed up. I tried everything, Ted. (she walks to her computer) I widened the search parameters, I tweaked the program. Last night, I stood out on the street for 5 hours showing your photo to random pedestrians – no takers. Although, this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price because you kinda look like John Cusak and his/her favorite movie was “Say Anything…” (she falls to her chair, starting to cry, downing the remnants of a pint of ice cream)
TED
C’mon, Ellen… I mean, a pint of ice cream? Isn’t that a bit cliché?
ELLEN
It’s for the bourbon.
TED
This isn’t hopeless. You’re gonna find someone for me.
ELLEN
(weakly) No, I won’t. You’re gonna die alone.
TED
I’m not gonna die alone. Look at me: I’m bright, I’m attractive. You just gotta get back out there and keep looking.
ELLEN
No. (almost crying) You’re never gonna find anybody and every year you’re just getting older and it’s getting harder and harder.
TED
You’re being ridiculous. I’m gonna be up on that wall one of these days.
ELLEN
No you won’t!
TED
Yes I will!
ELLEN
How do you know?
TED
I don’t know but I believe. Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city then – dammit – so can I.
ELLEN
You’re losing me…
TED
The point is… something good is gonna happen to me. I mean, maybe your computer will help, maybe it won’t but – it’ll happen.
ELLEN
So, I should keep looking?
TED
Of course you should. And now… you’re gonna do it for free.
THE END