SFX: Phone ringing (as if listener is making the call)
Woman: Thank you for calling Kmart. How may I direct your call?
Me: I'd like to talk to the manager.
Woman: Hold please.
SFX: 'On Hold' music plays.
Manager: This is Melissa. How can I help you?
Me: Hi. Are you the manager of this store?
Manager: Yes. Can I ask what this is about?
Me: It's about false advertising.
Manager: I'm sorry, I --
Me: I was in your store earlier this evening. I walked down several aisles...
Manager: I still don't see --
Me: There were only 4 women I saw.
Manager: I'm sorry, sir. Can you tell me what this is regarding?
Me: Yes. Your new tag line "I found love in a Kmart store".
Manager (almost sarcastically): Oh, I see...
Me: I went up and down almost every aisle in that store and I did not find love.
(long pause, no response)
Manager: (sighs)
Me: I mean, it's on the flyers you send to people's homes. I have one in my hand right now.
Manager: I don't think that's --
Me: When I was walking through your store, I even heard that country star singing the song over the loudspeaker "I found love in a Kmart store".
Manager: I don't think that was the intention... the same thing you're talking about.
Me: There were only 4 women in the store, not including the women working there. I think two of the four were married, so that leaves two -- potentially -- single women. And one of them wasn't all that attractive...
Manager: What about the last one?
Me: Seriously?
Manager: No, I'm just trying to move this conversation along.
Me (dejected): Oh...
Manager: Look, sir... what would you like me to do about it?
Me (meekly): I'd like you to find me love.
Manager: Excuse me?
Me (a bit louder): I'd like you to do what your advertising promises -- find me love.
Manager: The best I can do is direct you to the corporate office. Would you like me to transfer you?
Me: Will they help me find love in a Kmart store?
Manager (stiffly): I don't know, sir.
Me: Uh... okay, I guess you can transfer me.
Manager (under her breath) oh, boy. (Loudly, to me:) Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?
Me: Well, since you can't find me love... I guess not. I'll have to take that up with corporate.
Manager: Thank you, sir. Transferring.
SFX: (on hold music)
Woman: Kmart Corporate offices, this is Tina. How can I help you?
Me: I have a problem with the advertising at my local Kmart store.
Tina: What kind of problem? If it's about an advertised special the manager on-site can--
Me: No, no. It's about your "I found love at a Kmart store".
Tina: Oh...
Me: I was there for four hours and I didn't find love. I did find shoelaces, though. That was helpful.
Tina: I see. Uh, I don't think the advertising was meant to imply that you would actually find the love of your life in one of our stores.
Me: Then why say such things in print? I heard that frickin' country singer like once a minute while I was trouncing through the store. Once a minute for four hours is a lot of times, let me tell you.
Tina: I think the sentiment is that people love the changes we've implemented in our stores. We've taken a top-down approach--
Me: Oh -- Blah, blah, blah.... When one says in there advertisements that "I found love" one had best be prepared to back it up.
Tina: Well, sir, what can I tell you?
Me: Is there anyone higher that I could speak to about this?
Tina: Well, uh... I think my manager is here.
Me: Thank you, that will be fine.
Tina: Can you hold, please. His name is John.
Me: Yes, I can hold.
Tina: Thank you.
SFX: (on hold music)
John: This is John, Advertising Manager. I understand we have a little issue with our new slogan. Is that right?
Me: Yes, that's correct. As I have said to two of your employees previously, I did not find love in a Kmart store.
John (chuckles): Well, hmmm... How much time have you spent in the store since the slogan was introduced?
Me: Well, I was there earlier today for about four hours.
John: Up and down every aisle?
Me: I skipped over some of the grocery aisles, but they were empty. Other than that, yes... every aisle.
John: So you spent four hours in one store. Am I understanding that correctly?
Me: Yes, what are you get--?
John: So, you -- what -- look like Brad Pitt's younger brother... is that it?
Me: Well, not exactly... I --
John: So you spend four hours in one store and expect to find love that quickly? You must think really highly of yourself...
Me: I think I see where you're going with this...
John: You're gonna have to spend a lot more time in a lot more stores to find love. There is no promise implied in the statement, that country singer croons "I found love in a Kmart store". As that old saying goes 'your mileage may vary'.
Me: Hmm... that's almost a good point.
John: Look, I suggest you tough it out, son. You keep looking in Kmart and something's bound to happen. You stick around long enough and somebody's likely to slap a red vest on you and give you a paycheck once every two weeks.
Me: (laughing)
John: As long as you don't break any laws or stalk any of the women that come in to our stores, you have yourself a grand old time. You hear what I'm saying?
Me: Yes...
John: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: No, thank you.
John: You have yourself a great Kmart day. Bye.
Me: Bye.
The End
Woman: Thank you for calling Kmart. How may I direct your call?
Me: I'd like to talk to the manager.
Woman: Hold please.
SFX: 'On Hold' music plays.
Manager: This is Melissa. How can I help you?
Me: Hi. Are you the manager of this store?
Manager: Yes. Can I ask what this is about?
Me: It's about false advertising.
Manager: I'm sorry, I --
Me: I was in your store earlier this evening. I walked down several aisles...
Manager: I still don't see --
Me: There were only 4 women I saw.
Manager: I'm sorry, sir. Can you tell me what this is regarding?
Me: Yes. Your new tag line "I found love in a Kmart store".
Manager (almost sarcastically): Oh, I see...
Me: I went up and down almost every aisle in that store and I did not find love.
(long pause, no response)
Manager: (sighs)
Me: I mean, it's on the flyers you send to people's homes. I have one in my hand right now.
Manager: I don't think that's --
Me: When I was walking through your store, I even heard that country star singing the song over the loudspeaker "I found love in a Kmart store".
Manager: I don't think that was the intention... the same thing you're talking about.
Me: There were only 4 women in the store, not including the women working there. I think two of the four were married, so that leaves two -- potentially -- single women. And one of them wasn't all that attractive...
Manager: What about the last one?
Me: Seriously?
Manager: No, I'm just trying to move this conversation along.
Me (dejected): Oh...
Manager: Look, sir... what would you like me to do about it?
Me (meekly): I'd like you to find me love.
Manager: Excuse me?
Me (a bit louder): I'd like you to do what your advertising promises -- find me love.
Manager: The best I can do is direct you to the corporate office. Would you like me to transfer you?
Me: Will they help me find love in a Kmart store?
Manager (stiffly): I don't know, sir.
Me: Uh... okay, I guess you can transfer me.
Manager (under her breath) oh, boy. (Loudly, to me:) Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?
Me: Well, since you can't find me love... I guess not. I'll have to take that up with corporate.
Manager: Thank you, sir. Transferring.
SFX: (on hold music)
Woman: Kmart Corporate offices, this is Tina. How can I help you?
Me: I have a problem with the advertising at my local Kmart store.
Tina: What kind of problem? If it's about an advertised special the manager on-site can--
Me: No, no. It's about your "I found love at a Kmart store".
Tina: Oh...
Me: I was there for four hours and I didn't find love. I did find shoelaces, though. That was helpful.
Tina: I see. Uh, I don't think the advertising was meant to imply that you would actually find the love of your life in one of our stores.
Me: Then why say such things in print? I heard that frickin' country singer like once a minute while I was trouncing through the store. Once a minute for four hours is a lot of times, let me tell you.
Tina: I think the sentiment is that people love the changes we've implemented in our stores. We've taken a top-down approach--
Me: Oh -- Blah, blah, blah.... When one says in there advertisements that "I found love" one had best be prepared to back it up.
Tina: Well, sir, what can I tell you?
Me: Is there anyone higher that I could speak to about this?
Tina: Well, uh... I think my manager is here.
Me: Thank you, that will be fine.
Tina: Can you hold, please. His name is John.
Me: Yes, I can hold.
Tina: Thank you.
SFX: (on hold music)
John: This is John, Advertising Manager. I understand we have a little issue with our new slogan. Is that right?
Me: Yes, that's correct. As I have said to two of your employees previously, I did not find love in a Kmart store.
John (chuckles): Well, hmmm... How much time have you spent in the store since the slogan was introduced?
Me: Well, I was there earlier today for about four hours.
John: Up and down every aisle?
Me: I skipped over some of the grocery aisles, but they were empty. Other than that, yes... every aisle.
John: So you spent four hours in one store. Am I understanding that correctly?
Me: Yes, what are you get--?
John: So, you -- what -- look like Brad Pitt's younger brother... is that it?
Me: Well, not exactly... I --
John: So you spend four hours in one store and expect to find love that quickly? You must think really highly of yourself...
Me: I think I see where you're going with this...
John: You're gonna have to spend a lot more time in a lot more stores to find love. There is no promise implied in the statement, that country singer croons "I found love in a Kmart store". As that old saying goes 'your mileage may vary'.
Me: Hmm... that's almost a good point.
John: Look, I suggest you tough it out, son. You keep looking in Kmart and something's bound to happen. You stick around long enough and somebody's likely to slap a red vest on you and give you a paycheck once every two weeks.
Me: (laughing)
John: As long as you don't break any laws or stalk any of the women that come in to our stores, you have yourself a grand old time. You hear what I'm saying?
Me: Yes...
John: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: No, thank you.
John: You have yourself a great Kmart day. Bye.
Me: Bye.
The End