My friend Superman likes lists, so here's one of mine. I call it "Things That Will Probably Not Happen To Me -- Ever". It goes something like this:
10. Family Breakfast: I always wanted that Norman Rockwell breakfast with my own family. The Dad (me) stands there in his clean white shirt and dark striped tie, drinking orange juice. I sit down at the head of the table and ask the kids what will happen that day. They sit there eating their breakfast cereal while the baby throws Cheerios on the floor. My oldest daughter, Katie, is hurrying to finish her homework while her brother's model of a volcano sits on the counter. I rush out the door (kiss my wife goodbye, of course) and drive to work in my generic sedan. Sunday morning we read the newspaper together while the kids jump on the end of the bed. The cat keeps walking over everything, trying to get our attention and the baby's diaper needs changing.
9. Movie of my life: I don't know what the plot would be but I'm sure it would have an interesting cast of characters. I'm afraid it would move a little slow at first (probably lose the audience in the first 15 minutes) but then pick up in the middle. Not sure if it would be a comedy or a drama... maybe a little of both. Part buddy-picture, part love story, another part action and maybe some comedy thrown in. A low-budget indie starring.... I don't know. I'd love it if Edward Norton would play me. He has a pretty good range. No script and no director attached.
8. Super-secret job: At one point in my life I seriously thought about working for the FBI or CIA. Don't laugh... it's true. I never went to college, so both are out of reach. When I saw Alias, I thought maybe a black-ops version of the CIA might come calling. The answering machine was on the whole time -- nary a ring. Sydney Bristow went to college.
7. Ferrari: Okay, this one is just selfish on my part. I've loved the Magnum P.I. Ferrari ever since I saw it. If it's not that one, I'd take the Ferrari Spider that was in the first few seasons of Miami Vice. Cars from T.V. shows are, by default, very cool.
6. Medical Wing: I'm pretty sure that my charitable side is not going to be able to lend enough money to have a medical wing named after me. I saw a calculator online the other day that calculates how soon you can be a millionaire, based on current salary and savings. It told me, in no uncertain terms, that I will never be a millionaire in my life time. I'm okay with that.
5. Beach body: One of my other fantasies is that I could walk down the beach in a speedo and scoff at all the women who were looking at me. I mean, isn't that why they do it -- to be seen? It involves me with a really great tan, wearing a small white bathing suit and abs/buns of steel. Get your ticket to the 'gun show' ladies!
4. "That" Porno moment: Given the right situation, this one might happen but I'm not pinning my hopes on it. If you're a guy, you know what 'that' moment is. For those who don't know -- I'm talking about "The Money $hot". I can't say more beyond that.
3. Congressional Medal of Honor: During the Civil War, Lincoln gave them away like it was "everyone gets a trophy" day at your kid's T-ball game. Now it's a federal offense to wear one without it being awarded. I think this really appeals to my patriotic side, don't you?
2. Jennifer Aniston naked in my bed: Well, again, not much explanation here. I think this appeals to my sensual side, don't you?
And the big cahuna, "A"-number uno, top of the heap:
1. The correct lottery numbers: When it comes right down to it, almost anything is possible if you have enough money. Wanna own your own professional football team? Only takes a few million. Want to fly around the world? You can afford your own plane. Wanna have an adorable young lady appear in your bed? Yo, Jennifer... won't you at least listen to my offer?
10. Family Breakfast: I always wanted that Norman Rockwell breakfast with my own family. The Dad (me) stands there in his clean white shirt and dark striped tie, drinking orange juice. I sit down at the head of the table and ask the kids what will happen that day. They sit there eating their breakfast cereal while the baby throws Cheerios on the floor. My oldest daughter, Katie, is hurrying to finish her homework while her brother's model of a volcano sits on the counter. I rush out the door (kiss my wife goodbye, of course) and drive to work in my generic sedan. Sunday morning we read the newspaper together while the kids jump on the end of the bed. The cat keeps walking over everything, trying to get our attention and the baby's diaper needs changing.
9. Movie of my life: I don't know what the plot would be but I'm sure it would have an interesting cast of characters. I'm afraid it would move a little slow at first (probably lose the audience in the first 15 minutes) but then pick up in the middle. Not sure if it would be a comedy or a drama... maybe a little of both. Part buddy-picture, part love story, another part action and maybe some comedy thrown in. A low-budget indie starring.... I don't know. I'd love it if Edward Norton would play me. He has a pretty good range. No script and no director attached.
8. Super-secret job: At one point in my life I seriously thought about working for the FBI or CIA. Don't laugh... it's true. I never went to college, so both are out of reach. When I saw Alias, I thought maybe a black-ops version of the CIA might come calling. The answering machine was on the whole time -- nary a ring. Sydney Bristow went to college.
7. Ferrari: Okay, this one is just selfish on my part. I've loved the Magnum P.I. Ferrari ever since I saw it. If it's not that one, I'd take the Ferrari Spider that was in the first few seasons of Miami Vice. Cars from T.V. shows are, by default, very cool.
6. Medical Wing: I'm pretty sure that my charitable side is not going to be able to lend enough money to have a medical wing named after me. I saw a calculator online the other day that calculates how soon you can be a millionaire, based on current salary and savings. It told me, in no uncertain terms, that I will never be a millionaire in my life time. I'm okay with that.
5. Beach body: One of my other fantasies is that I could walk down the beach in a speedo and scoff at all the women who were looking at me. I mean, isn't that why they do it -- to be seen? It involves me with a really great tan, wearing a small white bathing suit and abs/buns of steel. Get your ticket to the 'gun show' ladies!
4. "That" Porno moment: Given the right situation, this one might happen but I'm not pinning my hopes on it. If you're a guy, you know what 'that' moment is. For those who don't know -- I'm talking about "The Money $hot". I can't say more beyond that.
3. Congressional Medal of Honor: During the Civil War, Lincoln gave them away like it was "everyone gets a trophy" day at your kid's T-ball game. Now it's a federal offense to wear one without it being awarded. I think this really appeals to my patriotic side, don't you?
2. Jennifer Aniston naked in my bed: Well, again, not much explanation here. I think this appeals to my sensual side, don't you?
And the big cahuna, "A"-number uno, top of the heap:
1. The correct lottery numbers: When it comes right down to it, almost anything is possible if you have enough money. Wanna own your own professional football team? Only takes a few million. Want to fly around the world? You can afford your own plane. Wanna have an adorable young lady appear in your bed? Yo, Jennifer... won't you at least listen to my offer?